At 5am in the morning I really should be sleeping but I can't. I suppose it helps that I know why this sudden burst of insomnia is here. As many will know I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) (or ME) at the end of last year. It is this condition that has had the major impact on my day to day life. However, I was born with two congential heart conditions (for those interested patent ductus arteriosus and coarctation of the aorta). These have both been surgically repaired and apart from taking meds for high blood pressure it is not something that I think of daily. It certainly doesn't stop me being me, unlike the CFS. This maybe because I have had the heart condition all my life and therefore it has become part of who I am, unlike the CFS which is a recent occurence, but it may also be that it just doesn't effect me like the CFS does on a daily basis. I always have to think about the CFS and what amount of rest each activity I do will require both before and after, to stop me relapsing. As you can imagine not sleeping at 5am when I have revision to do isn't a great help.
Anyway you're probably thinking 'what does this have to do with insomnia'? Well the answer is anxiety. I wouldn't call it stress, more nerves. You see I have my annual appointment at the Royal Brompton Hospital on Wednesday and every year I get really really worried about it. It isn't the actual appoitment/visit that worries me. The visit comprises a short, painless ECG, height, weight (can be painful lol!) and blood pressure readings with dr (althought this year I am also due for an Echocardiogram but they don;t hurt either). What worries me is the impact on my life that the outcome could have. Life as I know it could change completely. Now, this may seem melodramatic, and it may be so but at the beginning to 2003 I had an operation (the dr called it a non-surgical proceedure, i beg to differ, i had genral anaesthtic whilst they did a glorified angiogram) which didn't quite work, but it didn't matter as things weren't as bad as the drs thought. All was good. What worries me is that there are no 'non-surgical' options left. If things have deteriorated then i'm looking at major surgery. What is strange is that it isn't the surgery that scares me the most, but the impact it will have on my life. My recovery will be slowed down with the CFS so how do i cope with my final year at Uni etc. My boyf HATES hospitals, how will he cope with me being in one for any peroid of time and mostly, my Mum coped with it all when i was young on her own, will she cope now shes older (no offence Mum if your reading I know you're not old but your not 32 anymore.)
These are the things that go through my head at 5am in the morning. It has kind of become an annual ritual that gets worse each year, as each year I think THIS is the year. There are no guarentees with medicine, many people with my conditions have had many more complicatons than me and although there is a great support group for us (GUCH) sometimes I find it easier to stay away as seeing people of my age with the same problems in a much much worse place than me can put the fear of god into me, on other days it came make me realise how lucky I am, but the bad feelings stay longer than the good.
I suppose I should really subtitle the blog 'The ramblings of a Neurotic Knitter'. Hey maybe that should be my new blog handle 'neurotic knitter'.